That's Just My Baby's Daddy (oh give me a break, maybe...)

I absolutely hated that damned song when it came out but it became some kind of poor black woman's anthem several years ago, giving airplay to the reality of single parent troubles in dealing with men who are not a part of their children's lives on one part but showing us a side of the black community that is most painful, the relationship between black men and women. Relationships that are plaqued with absenteeism, infidlity, abuse and chaos.

I knew I did not want to have a child out of wedlock. I knew I did not want to be a single parent. I did not know why I felt this way until I got married, had a child, suffered through a horrific pregnancy riddled with absenteeism of the 'baby's daddy', in my face and behind my back infidelity, emotional abuse, and a level of chaos and confusion that paralelled a fricking soap opera.

I believe babies need their daddies in the home helping to raise them. Simply being there physically and materially is surface bullshit. A visit and a trip to the park or Chuck E. Cheese is surface bullshit. What happens when you drop the child back off with Mama. Baby's Daddy can go about his merry way on his own time, functioning without any responsibility for the hard work required to do the day to day management and fulfillment of loving, protecting and nurturing a child. Real simple shit like, leaving the house and going to the grocery store that could take me 10 minutes if I am alone now takes me 40 minutes becasue I have to get myself ready, get a child ready, get in the car seat, out or the car seat, so forth and so on and on and on. Is this a part of it all, of course it is, but the beauty of FAMILY is support. Why should I, woman, have to put my dreams and goals on hold just because Daddy did not want to stay in the home so now I must neglect myself, out of shear exhaustion and sacrifice, to give the child all it needs.

If daddy had his dusty ass at home being a husband and a father to a wife and his child, I can do things that I need to do to stay healthy, sexy, strong and internally beautiful.

I did not stop being a WOMAN because I got pregnant and became a MOTHER. I still have the same needs I had before my daughter was born, the kindness, support, love and protection of a man, the partnership that comes with marriage so each, husband and wife, can continue to evolve, to grow while watching a reflection of who they are come into its own.

I am angry. This shit ain't over.

In peace and pieces,
Jolivette

A Revelation: Nadja & Mama Jah

On April 4, Nadja will be 11 months old and so will I. How, you may ask? Well, giving birth made me a new woman so I celebrate my birth into Motherhood as I celebrate Nadja's birth into the physical realm.

Nadja listened to the Black Voices of Inspiration Choir rehearse last night. The drum set, keyboards and voices created a calm, a quiet peace inside of her. It was a beautiful thing to watch her interact with folks. She will let you know who she likes and who she does not like, to me, that is a good sign. We are not suppose to like everybody all of the time.

Over the past Almost 11 months, I have felt my body go through some really drastic changes. Depression and anxiety were a part of my personal struggle during pregnancy. I did not feel that I had begun to heal internally until she was about 6 months old. One day, while sitting at my desk, I felt a surge of energy run through me and it hasn't left. That is when I realized that I was really tired, my body was really traumatized, and bouncing back is a process.

I am trying to figure out what to do for Nadja for her first birthday celebration. I know it is more for me than her at this stage but she is so special, I want her to see pictures of her at this stage once she gets older.

Currently, when her face pops up on my screen saver at home, she points and smiles as I say 'that's you, that's Baby Nadja'. She knows how to give kisses and she knows what her teeth are (not just because she likes to practice biting people). She knows her teeth because she is curious and I talk to her when I see her trying to figure things out. Take this morning for instance, she was staring at the lock on the front door as I put the key in to secure our home in our absence. I showed her the key, pointed to the lock and said' key, lock, key in lock, locking the door'. She smiled.

I like Nadja! I like her personality, even the times she in fussy and slapping stuff out of my hand when she does not approve of it or want it. THIS WILL GET OLD WHEN SHE GETS OLDER, but I see a little girl, developing into her own and it is beautiful.

Peace,
Djali, Nadja's Mama

In Memory of Morgan Guice (A Mama's Perspective)

I find myself calling the daycare EVERY DAY after I drop my infant daughter off in another person's care while I work eight hours a day. This was not the behavior I exhibited just a month ago, so what has changed inside of me? The sad news of one of our students being killed in a car accident over spring break sent me into a silent, internal frenzy, from a Mama's perspective.

Morgan Guice was a beautiful spirit! She filled the room with her energy. Young sister was loud, proud, and able to tell you exactly what was on her mind. I first noticed Morgan when I began working at Purdue. She would walk in the door and say a word in Creole to the graduate student Rudy Chervil, who is from Haiti. Unbeknownst to me, that was the only word she knew in Creole and when I realized that, it was very funny. I also have memories of Morgan facilitating a discussion on Images of Black Women in music videos. She believed in having a good time and enjoying life but she had a serious side that was developing into a artist and possibly an activist. I miss her.

If this were two years ago and I did not have Nadja I know I would respond differently to Morgan's death. Being a mother/mama/mami, has made me a more compassionate warrior. I will do any and everything to protect and respect life while at the same time, if threatened, I would defend my child (and yours) to the death if we find ourselves in harm's way.

I think this seeming contradiction perplexes the hell out of menfolk. Ours in an inner strength that can not be measured by how much weight we can lift or how toned our muscles are. Ours is a strength that takes care of EVERY THING so that we can hold on to our humanity. Think about it. What is more revolutionary than putting food in the mouth of your children and your man cause you have the insight to know that they gonna have to eat and that they gonna need toilet paper to wipe their butts, they gonna need clothes and shoes cause the weather / seasons are changing so you plan all this in your head while finding a way to make all this stuff happen SO YOUR PEOPLE CAN BE LOVED, PROTECTED, WARM IN THE WINTER AND COOL IN THE SUMMER --- SHIT! MAMA'S DO ALL THIS WORK! It is in the way we think, the way we simply BE!

So, for the look in Wade Steffey's mothers eyes I say I am sorry for your loss. For the look in Morgan Guice's mother and fathers eyes, I say I am so sorry for your loss, but know that your child touched the lives of many and I thank you for being the people that she came through.

Aman, Awoman, A child & Ase

Peace on your sacred journey,
Jolivette (Djali)

Nadja News! (Sunday with the Ducks and Drakes)

Sunday, March 25 was a relaxing day for Nadja and me. She woke in a conversation with someone, the ancestors perhaps, and then she acknowledged me by saying 'Tee, Tee' and pointing to my mouth. She has learned what 'teeth' are and it is amazing to me because she will turn 11 months on April 4 (amen-ase to Dr. King).

We left the house around 5:30pm to run a few errands. Wal - Mart to get some grits and salmon, Mikes car wash to get the trash out of the passenger side of the car (I am horrible when it comes to cleaning my car) and on the way home, we stopped by the park to see and hear the birds. Specifically, the ducks and drakes and those other things with the long necks. Now mind you, when we went on Saturday, she was terrified. All of the fire and spunk and sassiness disappeared when she saw these creatures. Nadja was humbled, but it did not last long because on Sunday, she tried to roll up on the bird creatures. They politely walked off leaving her to explore other things. She pointed at the tree, so I let her touch the trunk of the tree, the bark, and she smiled. She touched the green of the shrubbery and she tried to do the 'let me feel the mud' thing but I stopped her. Another time for all of that.

I am happy that Nadja is developing well. I am prayerful that she continues to develop and lives a long, happy and healthy life. I must digress a bit though. Unfortunately, some people like to tell lies so they can author confusion and chaos. All I will say to that (and you know who you are) that Nadja is protected with the blood of my ancestors and the prayers of ancients and saints. I will protect and defend her to my deat. I think all who read this will know and understand. Bottom line, don't mess with my child cause the me you meet after you mess with her is the me you should be running from.

They call Nadja 'grandma' at the daycare because she does not want to hang out with the infants, she prefers the toddler room. She started walking at 9 months and has a jumpstart on talking. I won't say I want her to slow down, I will say that I want her to be and become who she is and will be.

Peace,
Mama Jah, Nadja's Mama

Mommy's Night Out: Hanna Center Open Mic

On Friday, March 23, 2007, I hosted an open mic set at the Hanna Community Center here in Lafayette, IN. I did not host it as a person who works for Purdue University. I hosted the set as 'the poet warrior', the name I gave myself over 10 years ago to be the voice of the Black happenings in Jackson, Mississippi and the world.

It felt good hosting a set again. I hadn't felt that good since Mississippi Vibes at Highlights in Tougaloo, MS, since Jazzoetry with E.B. and Company at that coffeehouse, since opening for Patti, Brian, Jonathan, Louis, Rosa, Myrlie and on and on and on. I got 'back to me' and it felt damn good. It felt so good, I kept calling the babysitter, thinking something was wrong. It is really foul that thinking like that is inside of me. I know it inside of every woman that feeling of 'if you feel to good about yourself, you are doing something wrong'. WHO OR WHAT CREATED THAT MESS?

I am currently reading a book for my American Studies class called 'Where the Girls Are'. I have only read the introduction, but I can see that the author is speaking to me when she speaks of the 'contradictions' we have and how that defines being an 'American woman' (and she acknowledges that she is dealing with American white woman and has not the insight to deal with being African American and female. For today, I embrace the contradiction that lives in me, that is fed to me through media. I don't know what will become of it, but for today, I embrace it and move forward with trying to figure me out so I can love me better.

For the record, Juanita and Cyneque (of Haraka Writers) rocked the house. Juanita started the revolution with her poem 'When you left' that tells black men how many black women feel about interracial relationships. The pain of not being good enough for you is hardly ever discussed for fear of hurting folks feelings. Many think this to be a rainbow world of diversity where everyone gets along, well, it ain't! There are some historical issues that have not been resolved individually and collectively because many of us refuse to create enviornments where healthy dialogue can take place. Pieces like hers at least give us a chance to open dialogue about how we feel so the black woman is not rendered invisible ALL OVER AGAIN AND AGAIN.

Sister Cynequa brought peace like a gentle rain with her words and vocals. More on her at a later date.

peace on your sacred journey,
Jolivette (Djali)

PS- I will be the host and the featured poet on April 27 at the Hanna Center with Blackberry Jam Band. I am too excited!

On Ledbetter Street in Shreveport

Black Folks kind of love is forgiving, eternal, biting and beautiful. Slavery and Jim Crow made us have to 'eat crow' to stay alive. All the things my mother and father wanted to say but didn't finds its way out of my mouth on a regular and consistent basis.
I scare them with my boldness but I am a prophecy fulfilled.

Mama and Daddy (now deceased), did you really think that your children would let what the white folks or any other folks said or did to you that was disrespectful go unchecked? Yes, God got us but God also gave us some of the tools we need to take care of certain things on our own.

This is a special dedication to my siblings, my mother and father and also to the bloodline I come from, the spirit I came from, traveled through and gave birth to. Nadja would not 'be' without the energy my entire family put out into the universe, through hard work and prayer.

The way I love may be strange sometimes, but good love is good love so just take it and run with it. S---, that's what I do with the love you give to me.

Black love is growing up on Ledbetter Street, having the same home phone number for over 30 years, going to church every Sunday, being a Hollywood High Stepper, swinging on the swing at hattie Perry Park.

I knew I was human growing up on Ledbetter Street. My blackness came second to that until I realized that some folks deemed my blackness as a marker of not being human.

Contradiction or conundrum or whatever...it don't matter... cause my black 'ness' is here... IN YO FACE!

Black love is me, my sister Jerene, my brothers Jethro and Arve, my sister Quintina and everything mama and daddy and grandmamas and grandpapas and auties and uncles and neighbors taught us on Ledbetter Street -- by the way they treated themselves and the way we treated each other.

Black Love is Me!

Peace,
Jolivette

Nadja News! (Baby is Walking)

Greetings Family,
On February 21, 2007, I picked up my daughter from daycare and one of the staff there said, 'she took about 10 steps today!' I smiled and began to look at here as if to say 'congratulations' and she smiled back at me. Nadja turned 9 months old on February 4 and she was crawling so fast sometimes I thought I saw smoke coming from her knees. She has two new teeth coming in at the bottom and her two front teeth have broken through her gums. She is happy and strong and learning things everyday. She has a very strong personality. She understand the word 'yes' and the word 'no' and voices her disagreements in baby talk. I am proud of her.

I am humbled at having been chosen by God to bring this bundle of light into this world. I have no imaginary fairy tales about who she is or what she will be or how difficult it will be at times to protect her from things that could harm her in this world. I ask for all of your prayers as Nadja and I move through this world together, Mother and daughter alone. Your support in the form of prayers and positive thoughts are truly appreciated. We love you all.

Oh, by the way, she is constantly in the kitchen opening drawers and cabinet and pulling out pots and pans and having a good time. Baby sitters appreciated cause I need some Mommy time every once in a while. (smile).

In peace,
Jolivette

Nadja News! Ali Center and Learning Louisville

Nadja and I ventured to Louisville, KY to visit the Muhammad Ali Center and the Kentucky Derby Museum (with my job) on March 2nd and 3rd. The Ali Center is beautiful and will always hold a special place in my heart because it is so global. I was especially moved to tears at the photo gallery which displayed pictures of Darfur. The Hope and Justice wall is beautiful. It is covered with tiles decorated by children from around the world. I have a photo of Nadja pointing to one that she liked.

Unfortunately, Nadja and Mama Jah are exhausted and after working two weekends in a row our bodies fell ill. She has the stomach flu and I have something that is causing me to be extremely exhausted. I am at work now just to check email but I am very ill. Nadja is with me and we will go home soon to rest some more and hopefully be back to our normal schedule on tomorrow (Wednesday). I am truly blessed to have a job that allows me sick days for myself and for my daughter without threat of being fired.

Though I am technically still married, I am a single parent and I can honestly understand why women who take on the bulk of the responsibility of raising children get so angry at the 'baby's daddy'. After all, it took two to make her and it takes two to take care of her. I am very angry folks, and I am trying to find a way to NOT pass this anger on to Nadja. All prayers and positive energy accepted for our health, physically and mentally and emotionally.

Love and light to all

Mommy's Night Out! with Morgan Heritage Band

March 17, 2007

Morgan Heritage, Still Rising
By Jolivette Anderson 'the poet warrior'

I had not seen them perform since the International Arts Festival in New Orleans, LA in 2002. Morgan Heritage is one of the greatest Reggae bands for a few reasons I would like to share,
1) The teach love through their lyrics in the true Rasta spirit of 'One Love'
2) They see their audiences as people who love their music and they give back by spending time with them
3) The love they have for each other as family members is visible in the way they communicate with each other on stage and back stage.

The Caribbean Village in Indianapolis was filled with people from various backgrounds but to be honest, I was glad to be able to go to a Black owned club to see a Reggae band the caliber of Morgan Heritage. Often times, as Black folks, we don't value our own culture enough to exploit it to our benefit, we only support it after another culture or race of people validate it and exploit it.

To heck with all of the political stuff for a few moments though. I am a new Mama and this was my Night Out to do something for myself. I needed to remind myself that I am sexy, fun, kind, giving, loving, trustworthy, beautiful and worthy & deserving of the absolute best. Morgan Heritage helped me in this process as I was positioned down front. Peter shook my hand. L of LMS sang to me. Mojo looked at me through his shades. Gramps smiled at me. Hallelujah! Amen! Awoman!

My daughter is my life and my eternal love. What I learned from this Mommy's Night Out is that I will teach her to not give ALL of who she is to ANYBODY. do things only and exclusively for you. This does not make you selfish, it is a sign that you are taking good (God) care of your soul so you can give the best of the things you can spare to give, like some of your time, your smile, and your kindness. The non-material things that are more valuable than the things we pay money for.

I don't know when the next Mommy's Night Out will be, but I will share with you what I learned so hopefully, sisters, mamas, women of all backgrounds, you can get Back to YOU!

Peace on your Sacred Journey,
Jolivette
3/21/2007

To Love Like This (A Poem for Nadja)
By Jolivette Anderson © 11/2/06

As the sun breaks through the night
Turning it to dawnI open my eyes.
The shadow of her small hand
slowly sweeps across my vision
I feel the gentleness of her touch
Caressing my cheek
Making sure it is me, her Mama.
Then, comes the whispers
The coos that sound like a song
A conversation she has with herself and
other spirits in the room
Me included
She is her own person
I, simply a caretaker of her life
until she takes courage and control of her destiny

Fear sometimes consumes me
But it only lasts a fleeting moment
Before courage chases it out of my soul
As long as I breathe, she is protected
As long as I breathe, she is nurtured
As long as I breathe, and beyond….
As she grows, God only knows what her thoughts will be
Will she grow to dislike me and what I stand for
I hope not but I must teach and be strong enough to
Let her life be hers when the time comes
We all must learn to make our own decisions

Until then, the gentleness of her hand
Small and fragile on my cheek
While dawn is peeping in the window
Is what I consider a blessing
This is the image that is permanently burned into my memory
To love like this
Is the closest thing I have ever seen that resembles God

Her name,
Nadja!