The Black Family
by Jolivette Anderson 'the poet warrior'
(c) april 7, 2007

Male and Female relationships are important because they are what makes the family function in a healthy way. Black male and female relationships in the family I come from where long-lasting. Uncle Jim and Aunt Genevie were married for 65 years. My mom and dad were married for 40 years and a couple of months before dad died (amen-ase).

When my father died, I felt extremely guilty for not giving him a grandchild. I felt that he thought that his blood would not continue. He only had one biologically that was his own, Jamir, my nephew. My older and younger sisters are not going to have any children for various medical reasons. So, here I am, mid 30s at the time, but not financially ready, no steady boyfriend.

I had planned to go to the sperm bank at age 40 and take my chances. Afterall, there is so much Frankenstein shit out there you can have children into your 50s if you can afford the medical bills. Instead, of the three men I was dating off and on, I begain asking the questions, would you consider being the father of our child. This was possibly the wrong way to ask the question because 'in my mind' this means we will have to get married and form a partnership that would grow into love instead of falling in love and having the fairytale crap happen. This is at the root of my present relationship ordeal with my husband.

He is from Africa and wanted a green card. As long as we are in this for the long haul, I have no problem with that, afterall, we are getting married and trying to have a baby so naturally, I want you to have peace of mind and be able to move around in the country without fear and anxiety (as best a black man can).

Oh what a fucking mistake it was for me to think this way. Africans (some of them), immigration, green cards. I have never met so many lying, deceitful, dishonest people in my life. If being in this country is so wonderful and where you come from is so bad that you don't want to go back to it so you do the kinds of things he and his people do to stay here... I am very fortunate for not knowing that level of poverty. I have compassion but I don't think that a human being should sink that low to use me, my father and mother, my sisters and brothers and our unborn child (at the time) to leverage whether or not you will stay in the U.S. or leave it.

While I tried to maintain my principles ( I took his two sons into my home, I took care of all of the bills, I worked until I was 8 months and 3 weeks pregnant, I filled out all the paperwork and handled all administrative communication written and verbal with INS / Homeland Security) and I mean EVERYTHING, and as soon as the card came through, when our daughter was 3 weeks old--HE LEFT!

As I reflect on it now, after losing almost all of who I am as a woman while trying to figure out who I am as a Mother, I realize that his character was below low and it would have been that way with or without the greencard. Maybe INS will find a measuring tool for Iwa Pele (good character) and send those without away--this is wishful thinking based on personal baggage of course, but there is much to be said for how we as women see the actions of men and what we allow ourselves to take and to not take.

I messed up. I believe babies need daddies and women need men IN THE HOME WORKING AND BUILDING THINGS TOGETHER. As a woman, I should have waited on God to send him. As a mother, my child is perfection in my eyes. As for riding the wave between these two realities, I understand now how women who did not love their husbands anymore stayed in relationships for the children. Two incomes is better than one. A woman and a man get to live out their full potential (go back to school, have hobbies, travel, go out sometimes) when two people partner together.

If marriage is Euro Centric and a part of the state, it is still what I believe in for manovering in this country and raising children in healthy environments.

more later,
Jolivette